Share in my insanity!!!
Welll hello world, another rambling from the crazy one.
I stayed at my parent place for 2 weeks while they were on vacation to watch their dog and cat. Man am I happy to be home. I missed my bed and my music and my computer. But now that I am home, I miss their satalite tv hehehe. Kinda crazy couple of weeks. I have been doing the usual amount of thinking way more than a normal person should be. Is it crazy to meet someone maybe once or twice in your life and get this odd feeling like you are supposed to know the person? Not is a intimate relationship, perhaps as good friends? I believe in fate and that we meet certain people for a reason. Even if they play a huge or small part in your life, you share hours or just a moment, there is a reason for it. I dunno, I met someone recently, and they are really cool, and something deep in my conscience is telling me to know them better. But then again I have an extremely over active imagination and I day dream several times a day compulsivly. So I am not sure what to do or what it is about. I guess that I am just longing for a change in my life. To meet new people try new things. I lead such a mundane boring exsistance. It's time for something fresh, something to wake up and look forward to. I applied to go back to school this fall. In hopes that perhaps I can get the motivation back in my life that I so desperatly seek. Things with the hubby are at the lull stage, nothing new nothing exciting. Same shit different day. I feel really like in every relationship I have had that I have never been that SPECIAL someone. Like the person would die for me. I don't expect to be put on a pedistal, but I am afterall a hopeless romantic, and I guess I want someone like that as well. Just someone to holdme for hours and tell me how they feel and have everything be genuine and not "what I want to hear". I don't want to feel like loving me is a chore, that is how I feel in my relationship is now. I regret marriage sometimes, and I am giving it 1 more year, if not a damn thing changes when my lease is up this time next year, I am flying solo. I really think I need to be by myself for a while, but still have my close friends. I dunno, I confuse myself alot. Damn anyone who reads this stuff must think I am one hell of a basketcase. Really I'm not, I have perfectly happy days, but they are so short lived by the bad ones. I love music, it is one of the few things that make me truley happy. I love laughing, I love being crazy and goofy. I am really a kid at heart. I am just tired of not knowing what to do. I want to be 20 again, when my life was fun and crazy and I did whatever I wanted with out a care in the world. Now in a mere 5 years later, I have grown up so much and have so much more responisbility and while still being myself in everyway, I am missing that bit of craziness I once had. Only time will tell, I let fate play the cards, but I choose the deck. Another day in this world....and another rambling. Soon not to be the last.
Here I lay
My heart so shattered, cold, and grey
Oh only if you could see me now
Would you find a way to save me somehow
I never forgot, can never forget
The dark embraces me
All I can see is your face
Burned in my memory
Can you save me, will you save me
From this tormented place
The past haunts me
Like voices in my head
It never leaves me
Repeating all the things I should have said
Its getting colder
In this place I call my heart
If only to turn back the hands of time
Back where we weren't torn apart
Can you find it in your heart to save me
Can you forgive me to save me
This emptiness I carry
Is more than I can bear
I walk this planet so weary
So alone, shedding blood tears
Have you forgotten to save me
Will you forget to save me
Here I lay
Wishing for better days
Ones of laughter, sun, and play
Please take away my need for decay
Please take me far away
And save me in that way
That only you can
Here I lay, I wait for your arrival
And may the spiders free me from their webs
May I feel real love again
Save me my forever friend
Well i have to go to work here in a few minutes, BUt i thouhgt I would post for the heck of it.
I have some major desisions to make here soon. Some good and some potentally bad. I don't know what to do anymore. My relationship with my hubby is falling apart and it hasn't even been 2 years yet since we married. We have been together for almost 5 years though, so maybe we are just on eachothers nerves. But there are alot of things that he does that drives me crazy. Like lying and keeping things from me, Important things too. It doesn't even faze him, and he gets upset that I get mad about it. It really makes me feel like my feelings are not valid and that my thoughts are worthless. I am just not very happy anymore and I don't know what to do. I gotta talk to him and make a choice before I get in over my head. I am just scared. I feel so alone. I don't know what to do or think anymore. The last year has not been very good, and I put on an act like everything is just GREAT and it's NOT. I dunno, but I gotta go to work, I will try to post later. ARGGGG...this life of mine, I tell ya, one thing after another, it never ends. I just want a normal life...I guess that is too much to ask for.
"To Be Me"
Have you any idea
What it's like to be me
Watching you succeed and move forward
All my wasted time, tensing in anticipation
My thought process
Full grown and worthless
Safe when nobody is in your heart now
Take everything you can get your hands on
Save me save me from this yearning yet again
I have become what I always knew
I have become what I always knew
Every salvageable breath choked off in fear
I am the last thing I'll ever expect from me
Safe when nobody is in your heart now
Take everything you can get your hands on
Save me save me from this yearning yet again
Have you any idea
What its like to be me
"Just So You Know"
the surface is so cold and worthless
all the things that I have still come from there
so paint your windows in front of my face
when you know damn well theres
no one behind them
I wish your body was not so warm to me
just so you know
all it was was something beautiful
when tides and dreams dont seem so tall at all
its me against the world still Im losing ground
Id kill to taste what it must be like
cause its every one of my empty parts
that you fill now
I wish your body was not so warm to me
just so you know
Yeah And maybe it's all for the better now
Yeah maybe things don't all make sense
all it was was something beautiful
when tides and dreams dont seem so tall at all
pause silence
another moment dropped off
left behind and
hanging still
you wont see me
I cant see you
all it was was something beautiful
when tides and dreams dont seem so tall at all
"Ridicule"
Ridicule my own
So precious alone
These faces of everyone
Remind me of home
You're plotting riddled sin
All my needs giving in
Blow me a kiss and leave me to the dogs
So, you think you got it
You think you know me
You wanna bring me down
I am in my finest hour
Ridicule my own
So precious alone
These faces of everyone
Remind me of home
You're watching me dying
How am I looking?
Why don't you take a picture
You're plotting riddled sin
All my needs giving in
Blow me a kiss
And leave me to the dogs
My fear, traps me waiting for it
My past is glowing red and yellow, again
Run, back where you came from
Not that it matters
I'll never see you again
My fists strain to sift mercy
Ridicule my own
So precious alone
These faces of everyone
Remind me of home
You're plotting riddled sin
All my needs giving in
Blow me a kiss and leave me to the dogs
My fear, traps me waiting for it
My past is glowing red and yellow, again
My fate will show me where to follow
Well well well...
I seem to have these habits of only posting about once every month to 3 months. I really need to get better at that seeing as it is nice to have this journal. It's late, my mind is racing as usual. A thousand and ten thoughts all at once and no way to sort them out. I hate some of my thoughts really. Because they make me feel guilty. I can't explain it, and I should not feel that way but I do. I just think of the past. What I could have done different. People I've lost that maybe I shouldn't have. How different would my life be today if I never changed, never lost. Would I know those who are close to me now. Would there be more people I missed the opportunity to meet. Would my life be better, or worse or the same. Maybe this is my path in life, this is the way it is supposed to be. Maybe fate has fucked with me. Maybe it is testing me to see which path I choose to walk. And it is either laughing in my face for the one I have chosen, or agreeing that this is it. I shoudln't think so deeply into it I guess. The past is the past after all. Nothing can change what has already been done, what has already been written. Change the subject...
I've been listening alot to American Head Charge the past 2-3 weeks. Man I really dig this band. I heard of the death of their guitar player a week or so ago. It was so damn sad. They are homegrown, from MN. My best friend went to high school with the guy. I had to tell her the news, and she couldn't believe it. I hate being the bearer of bad news. It is just such a damn shame when someone with so much talent and so much to give to the world loses their life at such a young age. He was only 27, and had so much more to live. It's just sad....
So I've been sitting here, conemplating life as I know it, listening to really heavy music, racking my brain about what the hell I am gonna do, things I want to tell people and haven't yet. There are 2 songs off of American Head Charges new cd called "The Feeding" that for some reason have me just entranced by them. I can't tell if it is the lyrics or the music that draws me in, but I can listen to them over and over and over and just I am lost for words. One of them is "Riducle" and the other is " To be me". Another one off of their last one "The Art of War" called "Just so you know" reminds me of someone in a way. Just bring up feelings that are hard to explain. But these songs have been my life support the past few days. I swear if I went deaf I would commit suicide. If I could never listen to music again, nothing I could imagine would be a greater torture. Music is one of the few things on this planet that keeps me going. It is always there, you can listen, relate, feel, vent, cry, scream, sing, love, everything to music. It never turns its back on you, never betrays you, is always there when you need it and never does anything but share with you the every beat, rhythm, vocal, guitar, drum and bass, to feed through your system and keep you hanging on for more. I love music, thats all there is to it.
I think I have made up for months of silence on my blog here I am just sitting here at 12pm needing to talk to someone, even if it is through my keyboard for random people to read. So be it. That's all for now folks, I'll try not to be such a stranger....
Wow holy crap I haven't posted in a really long ass time. SO here is the run down of my life over the past few months:
Turned 25, big deal. Suffered another cold ass MN winter. Finally got the guts to quit my crappy job for one that treats me better, but still not what I want to do as a career. Saw Mudvayne in Febuary. Kick ass show, had a moment with Chad where he looked right at me and gave me the good ol' rock fist. Best damn concert I have ever seen. Tried to help some friends of mine through some junior high drama bullshit, only to have all our help back fire and now the person hates me. I hate it when I try to help people and then they turn on you and twist your words. Ack...stupid people. And now I am here...
Saw mudvayne again last weekend. Another bad ass show, not as good as the first but still pretty good. I am anticpating their new cd, which should arrive tomorrow! Can't wait! And so now I am with 1 job, 1 less friend, and still 1 question on my mind that dwells without end. What the fuck am I going to do with my life? I want to go back to school, I want to be surrounded by people who can except me and help me through my shit the way I help all of them, I want a vacation, I want a happier exsistance. I want unconditional love, and trust. I want so many simple things, yet they are so hard to grasp. Hell I'd settle for an orange Mister Misty from DQ right about now, damn it's warm out!
But I take what each day gives, and try to hold on the this thin thread of life I have to live. I just wish the winds of change would arise, and sweep me off my feet to the place I truely belong. Maybe someday....someday.....
p.s. my aunt died last saturday...off to the funeral tomorrow...
Hello everyone. Once again I have not posted in quite sometime. I seem to average about once a month. Somethings are better these days, some the same and some worse. But I try to take the good with the bad and every day as it comes. I finally get to go and see Mudvayne this Sunday and I am so fucking excited! This will be the first time Ihave ever seen them and it is at a super small club so I am way excited. Been working 2 jobs so I haven't had time to get out and enjoy myself as much as I would like to. SO sunday will definately be a treat
Not much else going on really. Busting my ass at 2 jobs that don't appreciate the work I do. I am thinking too much these days about what I am to do with my life. I come up with great ideas and things to do to make myself happy but never seem to follow through with them. Maybe some day I will get it all straight. Well not much else, gotta go off to job #2 now. Just got done with the first one. I miss chatting with you "Fear my Mind" (sebastian). I hope you read this and that you are doing well, look me up on yahoo sometime soon! To everyone else out there in cyber land take it easy!
Today was a great loss to us in the metal world. One of our own was stolen from us in a shameful act of hate and violence. Dimebag Darrell, formally of Pantera, was playing a show in Ohio with his new band named Damageplan. Some guy ran up on stage and shot Darrell 5 times at point blank range. He died there doing what he loved best. Others were killed and injured, including the killer. For any other fans out there reading this today we have suffered a great loss. Darrell was a harmonious genius that was an insperation to many that play in bands today, and many others musicians alike. He had a bright texan smile and a great sense of humor. He played his heart out on the guitar, and never will there be another that could caress the strings of an axe and have pure heart pumping power come out. He had an orignial sound that many envy and use today.
This is the kind of sensless act that hate and violence has brought us to in our world today. We must all remember that nothing is worth this much tragedy. Darrell had a family, friends, and millions of adorning fans...and now it has been taken from us.....never ot return. We will miss you Dimebag, you will always be remembered and for surely never forgotten.... may your soul rest in peace...and vengance has been laid upon the one whom stole your life too soon.
Cemetery Gates
Reverend reverend is this some conspiracy?
Crucified for no sins
An image beneath me
Whats within our plans for life
It all seems so unreal
I'm a man cut in half in this world
Left in my misery...
The reverend he turned to me
Without a tear in his eyes
It's nothing new for him to see
I didn't ask him why
I will remember
The love our souls had
Sworn to make
Now I watch the falling rain
All my mind can see
Now is your (face)
Well I guess
You took my youth
I gave it all away
Like the birth of a
New-found joy
This love would end in rage
And when she died
I couldn't cry
The pride within my soul
You left me incomplete
Memories now unfold.
Believe the word
I will unlock my door
And pass the
Cemetery gates
Sometimes when I'm alone
I wonder aloud
If you're watching over me
Some place far abound
I must reverse my life
I can't live in the past
Then set my soul free
Belong to me at last
Through all those
Complex years
I thought I was alone
I didn't care to look around
And make this world my own
And when she died
I should've cried and spared myself some pain...
Left me incomplete
All alone as the memories still remain
The way we were
The chance to save my soul
And my concern is now in vain
Believe the word
I will unlock my door
And pass the cemetery gates
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